The Fantastic Four: Babies are Magic

These days, everybody is a critic. And every movie is based on a comic book, so there is plenty to criticize. I enjoy going to the movies with my kids, and consider the experience time well spent with them, no matter what. Even so, I have opinions, and now you’re gonna hear mine regarding the new Fantastic Four movie.

First off, let me say I’m pro family. I like babies very much and doted on my children endlessly. I still do, even though they’re not babies anymore.

“What the hell do babies have to do with Fantastic Four!” you might ask, and you’d be right to yell that at me. Well, the first half hour of this film consisted of a pregnancy test, an ecstatic mom and dad, and a fawning Thing and Human Torch constantly saying how they could not wait for the baby, how great it was that the baby was coming. How wonderful it will be to have a baby at Fantastic Four headquarters! Everyone exclaimed this, over and over. They make dinner and drink wine and talk about parenthood and read a book by Dr. Spock about child rearing and share many tearful, sensitive moments in anticipation of the new baby.

Oh, when are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?

I exaggerate, but not by much. Dr. what’s his name, Mr. Fantastic, ably played by the omnipresent Pedro Pascal, is worried he won’t be a good enough dad. He’s so very very concerned that the baby may be strange like he is, you see. He devises ways to observe the baby in utero. He is a loving father, a good person! You must know this. You better know this. He will be a GOOD DAD! Invisible woman frets and worries she may not be a good enough mom. She is going to be a GREAT MOM. We know this, she knows it. She worries and that is why she’ll be a perfect mommy. That baby has great parents!

Finally, a BAD GUY appears. His name is Galactus, and he’s pretty bad. But he’s given little to do aside from saying he wants to blow up the earth etc etc. UNLESS! And here’s the big twist: UNLESS he can have the baby! He dispatches the Silver Surfer to GET THAT BABY! The silver surfer is the coolest character in this film by a long shot. She gives not one fuck about babies or anything else, and just wants to fight the fantastic four. Thank you, Silver Surfer! You alone seem to know your assignment! Kick some ass!

Eventually there is a giant battle and NY is razed and the fantastic four defeat the bad guy. The baby, of course, has mystical magical powers and will enrich the fantastic four’s inner lives beyond their wildest dreams.

What happened to clobberin’ time? Well, there’s that fight scene, but as my son said, “Why did they wait almost two hours to get to the fighting?”

“I don’t know, son,” I replied, “I just don’t know.”

And we both wept.

As the end credits rolled, a sensitive folk tune played. It sounded like the singer was about to cry. It was all very touching, what with the baby and whatnot.

I think I would have had a better time just reading the old Jack Kirby comic. You will, too. I give this movie one star because the robot was kind of cool, and so was the Silver Surfer. The retro sets and graphics were neat. Otherwise, I don’t get why you spend a billion dollars on a movie and just talk about a baby the whole time.

No offense to babies.

Superman

I know that 50-year-olds are not the key demographic for comic book films, but I’ll give my opinion anyway, since as someone who has loved Superman for more than forty years, I’m as qualified as anyone to offer mine.  

I suppose the new Superman film accomplished what it set out to do, serving as the first of DC’s planned ‘universe.’ Having watched Marvel run circles around them at the box office since 2008, they used a hired Gunn (pun intended) to get the kryptonite rolling. I was interested to see what they’d do, but I knew in my heart no one could ever replace Christopher Reeve for me. He was just too good in that role, and I first saw it when I was about 5 years old, so he’ll always be my favorite. But I’m always game for a new version, and my 10- and 12-year-olds were eager to see this incarnation. Off we went.  

Eighty minutes into this film, I was wondering why Superman had so little to do, and why he’d just been pummeled from one end of the theater to the other, with no end in sight. Imprisoned and helpless and tearful is not my favorite kind of Superman. I know he needs conflict and drama, but I wasn’t enjoying it much. I wished I’d saved some money and watched the 1978 version. I found myself confused as to why a movie called Superman had much better things for Guy Gardner, of all people, to do. Better lines, as well.  

James Gunn made the very funny and lucrative Guardians of the Galaxy films, and the new Superman felt like it was trying to be that sort of movie, an ensemble cast of wisecracking misfits. In my view, Gunn is great at comedy/action films like that, and I think he’d probably make an awesome Green Lantern film. But for me, this Superman lacked something. Plenty of people might disagree with me, but I wanted more about the main character and his story. Otherwise, it might as well be called Justice League.  

This one felt like a generic mess, way too convoluted in the way that almost all these films are, and worse, it was boring. For long stretches of this thing I could barely keep my attention focused on what I was seeing. The cast is great and this isn’t their fault. But I wonder: how can you hire an actor as talented as Wendell Pierce and give him nothing to do?  A bedrock of American comics like Superman deserved better than this hodgepodge of a movie.

My children enjoyed it pretty well and found it funny, and that is the audience for this. They’ll grow up watching the rest of whatever movies DC sees fit to release. A shame that this one didn’t have more heart. 

Wild Cards

For most of my life I’ve read copious amounts of fantasy and science fiction. I recall the Wild Cards series coming out in the late 80s; an acquaintance of mine sang the book’s praises, but the idea of comic book characters was something that at the time, as a 16 year old, I felt I was outgrowing. Maybe I was self-conscious reading Batman and Superman and the X-Men as an older teen, and advertising that I still loved those characters seemed unwise. Though of course, I read them at home, away from my peers.

During the recent holiday break, I was looking for something light to read, and picked up the first volume of Wild Cards, that series I had shunned in my young, foolish days. If George RR Martin edited it, it must be good, I reasoned. I’ve been wanting to read Winds of Winter for some years now, but alas, it seems I’ll have to wait for that. I have read almost everything else George published, so I gave it a try.

How I wish I could go back 30+ years and tell sixteen year old me to read Wild Cards. I was the perfect demographic for it back then. I guess I still am. What a fun, crazy ride I had with these stories. I didn’t love all of them, but there were enough good ones to keep me interested, and the ones I didn’t like as much still had some cool elements.

Wild Cards, for those of you unfamiliar with this now-32-volume series, is a shared world alternate universe filled with superheroes, in which, at the end of World War II, an alien virus outbreak turns a large segment of humanity into mutants. It kills some of them outright, horribly disfigures others (known as Jokers) and turns some into superhumans (aces). It’s a funny, neat idea, full of noirish and comic elements, enough to keep an adult comic book reader happy during these long winter nights. I particularly enjoyed Roger Zelazny’s entry, as well as Martin’s. I don’t want to spoil the stories, they are too fun. If you enjoy comic books, but want something a little darker and more adult themed, give these books a try.

I’d never read something like this collection before. I loved the idea of a shared world in which lots of writers try their hand in storytelling in the same setting. I also really enjoyed the way these comics were written with adults in mind. I’d never seen this before in fiction, except perhaps when I read the novelization of the 1989 Batman movie as a teen. These stories reminded me of Frank Miller’s work with Batman, and Alan Moore’s many legendary tales of Swamp Thing, Watchmen, and others. I don’t regularly read comic books these days, but this first volume in the Wild Cards series made me want to revisit my favorites, and maybe read some more in the Wild Cards series.

The Wikipedia entry for this series says that Martin and his friends started the series after playing a GURPS style RPG based on superheroes, which makes perfect sense. The detailed backstories in each tale in this volume are a perfect fit with an RPG campaign of this style. Probably most people who have played in a campaign thought of turning it into a book (what a great idea!), but leave it to uncle George to actually pull it off. I was also reminded of the wonderful Dragonlance books, which were similarly based on a D and D campaign. I may also have to try Thieves World, which is a series I never read, but which was also a shared world.

There are so many books, and never enough time for me to read all my favorites, but I’m glad I gave this series a try. Winter is the perfect time to stay inside and curl up with a book. You’ll have fun with Wild Cards, I think. I just hope Winds of Winter comes out soon.

One Bite at a Time

I very much enjoyed ‘One Bite at a Time,’ a book with the subtitle “a collection of paintings and two sentence horrors,” by N.M. Scuri, and illustrations by Byron Rempel. This book was enormous fun to look at and pore over, with some really chilling and darkly funny tales that I had a great time reading.

“Hell is a Library” was one tale that cracked me up. As a librarian and twilight zone aficianado, I loved this, which said simply “I’m the last man on Earth, and I can read all I want. Now where are my glasses?” The accompanying illustration is a man with his back to us, in a seemingly apocalyptic landscape. “A Dainty Dish” was another memorable entry, with a painting of a tentacled monstrosity beside the ominous words: “The Old One Cthulhu, baked in a pie.” And there are plenty of zombies here, too, of the human and animal variety, as in “Red Rover,” in which a canine pal keeps on killing even after he’s been dead a month.

Many of these stories sound like they could be the opening of a great short story or novel, the seeds are here for some fun stuff. Scuri has some precise, tightly controlled language to set the atmosphere for the really wonderful paintings, which reminded me of Ralph Steadman’s illustrations of Hunter Thompson’s books.

I highly recommend this engaging collection for fans of horror, comics, and poetic writing. It’s a unique book that is loads of fun. This was listed as “Volume One,” so hopefully there will be more installations to come.

In “Thirteen Stories and Paintings,” Scuri and Rempel take the idea a bit further. Here we have similar kinds of haunting illustrations, with flash fiction horror tales. “Hooked” is one such memorable story, about a night of scary storytelling that goes horribly wrong. “The Sad End of Perry Belmon” is a Joker-like tale of a lost soul, trying forever to win friends, yet always failing miserably. This is another fine, ghoulish collection of stories and art that I think would please horror fans, folks who like The Walking Dead, who enjoy Lovecraft and Poe and Stephen King and all the better things in life that make us uneasy.

Check these books out! They’re fun and engaging and I think you’ll like them as much as I did. You can find them on amazon.